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pyramidofdreams 12 Days, day 3, "candles"
Kara/Sam.
Summary: When he gives her what she thinks she wants, she doesn't want it anymore.
The few candles burned on the ledges of the memorial walls, as Kara stared at Kat's photo. She sensed a presence next to her and didn't have to look to know it was Sam. She didn't turn her eyes, even when she knew he was looking at her.
He broke the silence first. "Kara --"
Her jaw tightened. "So it was all a lie."
"No, I didn't know--" he protested.
"Right over there, you knelt on the floor and you told me it was okay if I was a Cylon," she turned to him, angry, "when it was you. You're the toaster. You lied to me."
He flinched, looking both hurt and guilty. "I was going to tell you--"
She snorted, scornfully. "Sure. That's why it took months and people dead before Tigh finally came forward. Because you were going to tell me."
"Well, maybe if you hadn't said you were going to kill me, I might have done it differently," he retorted.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Do not make this my fault. All of this is because you kept it secret."
He returned her look and reminded her, "And the instant Saul told someone, we almost got airlocked."
"Because you're a Cylon and you've been manipulating us all along," she shot back, knowing it wasn't true, but throwing the words at him and watching him flinch as if she'd hit him with her fists.
"I didn't know! Not until I heard that frakking song and suddenly we knew." He held out a hand toward her, and his voice turned pleading, "That was all we knew. How could I expect anyone to believe I didn't know anything else, especially after the frakking Hybrid claimed we had all the answers? I just... I just wanted to put off that day as long as I could," he finished with a sigh and dropped his hand. His shoulders slumped, and his gaze slipped down to the nearest candle flame. "So here we are. We're at Earth. Maybe it had to happen this way."
"Whatever. Doesn't change that you're a Cylon." She turned back to staring at the wall, aware that he was still looking at her.
He waited a moment and then murmured hesitantly, "I thought maybe you'd--"
"What? That I'd be okay with that?" she taunted. "Okay with finding out you're a toaster? And a pathetic one at that, who thought he was human? Everything you ever said to me was probably just a way to try to breed little hybrids."
"No!" he exclaimed, horrified. "How could you even--" But he cut himself off, and fell silent. When he spoke again, his tone was resigned, as if she was saying everything he had expected all along, "I thought working together to find Earth meant something. But I guess it doesn't, if that's what you feel. If you can't forgive me for something I didn't do and can't change, then ...." He paused, as if to give her a chance to interject something about how she could forgive him after all, for being a frakking toaster, which she had no intention of doing. He swallowed. "So that's it then." His hand went to his chest and he pulled the cord holding her dog tag from around his neck. Her eyes automatically followed the movement, as he held it out to her. "Here. I never took this off, after I thought you died. I wore it even after I knew the truth, hoping it wouldn't matter to you. But if you --" his voice faltered into silence before he forced himself to finish, "if you hate me, then you should take it back."
Her breath caught, unprepared for the pang at the realization he was giving her the dog tag back. His expression was defeated and lost, as if all his nightmares were coming true.
When she didn't reach for it, he set it down on the little ledge next to the candles. Then, with a last glance, he murmured, "Goodbye, Kara."
She meant to let him walk away; she intended to let it end. She hadn't wanted to marry a toaster, after all -- Helo could marry one, but not her. She hated Cylons and she hated having the suspicion that everything with Sam had been false. She hated feeling tricked.
But her mouth didn't care about what she intended to do, blurting, "Sam!" He froze, but didn't turn back, stiffening as if he feared to look at her.
"I don't hate you," she said quietly. "I don't," she insisted, as if he had objected even though he was silent, and her hands tightened into fists at her sides. But she didn't know what else to say.
She realized she could hear people singing, and their happiness seemed so far away from where she was, they seemed a different place entirely.
For the space of several heart beats, he didn't answer, and he turned only far enough to watch the candle burning as he waited for more.
It would be so easy to take the tag and say goodbye. He was a Cylon. It should be easy. But when her fingers reached for the tag, they started to tremble. She remembered the joy and relief on his face when he'd greeted her on the deck at her return. She remembered all the times on the Demetrius he had started to tell her something, and she'd ignored him until he'd stopped trying. She remembered her horror and confusion as the marines had arrested him and dragged him away. She remembered the pounding of her heart as she'd run across the ship, afraid she'd be too late.
"That's something, I guess," he said finally. He reached out with a finger toward the nearest candle, pressing it into the puddle of wax, extinguishing the small flame. A tendril of smoke rose up, and she watched it, as he murmured, "I don't know if our marriage is even valid, since you didn't know the truth, but I'll sign whatever you want me to, to make it official. That's the only thing left I can give you."
She realized what he was offering: divorce. A pit seemed to open up in her chest, wide and gaping, as if his words had just torn a hole inside. The sense of loss was sudden and acute. "No! That's not what I want." She shook her head and her fingers grabbed the dog tag and thrust it in his direction. "Take it back."
Slowly he put out his hand. She dropped the dog tag and the cord into it, and he wrapped his fist around it. His eyes searched hers, looking for answers or an explanation. But he didn't look hopeful, just confused by words he hadn't expected.
"It means something," she said. "It means something that you heard the signal and I found it before you died. It means something that we found Earth together. I don't know what it means, but now we're at Earth and we can figure it out."
"I hope so. You're not the only one looking for answers."
"I know. It's all too much. Just... give me time," she requested, voice barely coming out of her throat.
"I can do that." He glanced down at the dog tag, and then swiftly put it around his neck again. It looked right there, hanging with his own, but she had only a moment to look before he turned from her again. "I'll see you on Earth."
It felt terribly wrong, watching him walk away. Her skin itched, as if missing his touch. For one mad moment, she considered grabbing him, pulling him to her, and kissing him. But she reminded herself he wasn't who -- what -- she had believed him to be, and she stayed where she was. Soon he was out of sight, around the corner, and it was too late to go after him.
But the Fleet had found Earth -- there would be plenty of time.
(woot! last fic of 2009!)
pyramidofdreams 12 Days, day 3, "candles"Kara/Sam.
Summary: When he gives her what she thinks she wants, she doesn't want it anymore.
The few candles burned on the ledges of the memorial walls, as Kara stared at Kat's photo. She sensed a presence next to her and didn't have to look to know it was Sam. She didn't turn her eyes, even when she knew he was looking at her.
He broke the silence first. "Kara --"
Her jaw tightened. "So it was all a lie."
"No, I didn't know--" he protested.
"Right over there, you knelt on the floor and you told me it was okay if I was a Cylon," she turned to him, angry, "when it was you. You're the toaster. You lied to me."
He flinched, looking both hurt and guilty. "I was going to tell you--"
She snorted, scornfully. "Sure. That's why it took months and people dead before Tigh finally came forward. Because you were going to tell me."
"Well, maybe if you hadn't said you were going to kill me, I might have done it differently," he retorted.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Do not make this my fault. All of this is because you kept it secret."
He returned her look and reminded her, "And the instant Saul told someone, we almost got airlocked."
"Because you're a Cylon and you've been manipulating us all along," she shot back, knowing it wasn't true, but throwing the words at him and watching him flinch as if she'd hit him with her fists.
"I didn't know! Not until I heard that frakking song and suddenly we knew." He held out a hand toward her, and his voice turned pleading, "That was all we knew. How could I expect anyone to believe I didn't know anything else, especially after the frakking Hybrid claimed we had all the answers? I just... I just wanted to put off that day as long as I could," he finished with a sigh and dropped his hand. His shoulders slumped, and his gaze slipped down to the nearest candle flame. "So here we are. We're at Earth. Maybe it had to happen this way."
"Whatever. Doesn't change that you're a Cylon." She turned back to staring at the wall, aware that he was still looking at her.
He waited a moment and then murmured hesitantly, "I thought maybe you'd--"
"What? That I'd be okay with that?" she taunted. "Okay with finding out you're a toaster? And a pathetic one at that, who thought he was human? Everything you ever said to me was probably just a way to try to breed little hybrids."
"No!" he exclaimed, horrified. "How could you even--" But he cut himself off, and fell silent. When he spoke again, his tone was resigned, as if she was saying everything he had expected all along, "I thought working together to find Earth meant something. But I guess it doesn't, if that's what you feel. If you can't forgive me for something I didn't do and can't change, then ...." He paused, as if to give her a chance to interject something about how she could forgive him after all, for being a frakking toaster, which she had no intention of doing. He swallowed. "So that's it then." His hand went to his chest and he pulled the cord holding her dog tag from around his neck. Her eyes automatically followed the movement, as he held it out to her. "Here. I never took this off, after I thought you died. I wore it even after I knew the truth, hoping it wouldn't matter to you. But if you --" his voice faltered into silence before he forced himself to finish, "if you hate me, then you should take it back."
Her breath caught, unprepared for the pang at the realization he was giving her the dog tag back. His expression was defeated and lost, as if all his nightmares were coming true.
When she didn't reach for it, he set it down on the little ledge next to the candles. Then, with a last glance, he murmured, "Goodbye, Kara."
She meant to let him walk away; she intended to let it end. She hadn't wanted to marry a toaster, after all -- Helo could marry one, but not her. She hated Cylons and she hated having the suspicion that everything with Sam had been false. She hated feeling tricked.
But her mouth didn't care about what she intended to do, blurting, "Sam!" He froze, but didn't turn back, stiffening as if he feared to look at her.
"I don't hate you," she said quietly. "I don't," she insisted, as if he had objected even though he was silent, and her hands tightened into fists at her sides. But she didn't know what else to say.
She realized she could hear people singing, and their happiness seemed so far away from where she was, they seemed a different place entirely.
For the space of several heart beats, he didn't answer, and he turned only far enough to watch the candle burning as he waited for more.
It would be so easy to take the tag and say goodbye. He was a Cylon. It should be easy. But when her fingers reached for the tag, they started to tremble. She remembered the joy and relief on his face when he'd greeted her on the deck at her return. She remembered all the times on the Demetrius he had started to tell her something, and she'd ignored him until he'd stopped trying. She remembered her horror and confusion as the marines had arrested him and dragged him away. She remembered the pounding of her heart as she'd run across the ship, afraid she'd be too late.
"That's something, I guess," he said finally. He reached out with a finger toward the nearest candle, pressing it into the puddle of wax, extinguishing the small flame. A tendril of smoke rose up, and she watched it, as he murmured, "I don't know if our marriage is even valid, since you didn't know the truth, but I'll sign whatever you want me to, to make it official. That's the only thing left I can give you."
She realized what he was offering: divorce. A pit seemed to open up in her chest, wide and gaping, as if his words had just torn a hole inside. The sense of loss was sudden and acute. "No! That's not what I want." She shook her head and her fingers grabbed the dog tag and thrust it in his direction. "Take it back."
Slowly he put out his hand. She dropped the dog tag and the cord into it, and he wrapped his fist around it. His eyes searched hers, looking for answers or an explanation. But he didn't look hopeful, just confused by words he hadn't expected.
"It means something," she said. "It means something that you heard the signal and I found it before you died. It means something that we found Earth together. I don't know what it means, but now we're at Earth and we can figure it out."
"I hope so. You're not the only one looking for answers."
"I know. It's all too much. Just... give me time," she requested, voice barely coming out of her throat.
"I can do that." He glanced down at the dog tag, and then swiftly put it around his neck again. It looked right there, hanging with his own, but she had only a moment to look before he turned from her again. "I'll see you on Earth."
It felt terribly wrong, watching him walk away. Her skin itched, as if missing his touch. For one mad moment, she considered grabbing him, pulling him to her, and kissing him. But she reminded herself he wasn't who -- what -- she had believed him to be, and she stayed where she was. Soon he was out of sight, around the corner, and it was too late to go after him.
But the Fleet had found Earth -- there would be plenty of time.
(woot! last fic of 2009!)
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