Fic: Hiding Myself In Your Eyes

[lizardbeth]

Hiding Myself in Your Eyes

Pairing: Sam Anders/Leoben
Rating: ADULT
Spoilers: Through "Faith"

Summary: When you're alone, you grab onto the first promise of solace that comes your way.

Note: This was inspired by the fic I never finished for the bsg_slashathon and the title and cut-text are from my prompt: "Before It's Too Late" by the Goo Goo Dolls.
Oh, and this is not related to my "Not All We Are"-verse, just in case people might think this is a follow on.

Also, I am possibly crazy (you did see the pairing, right? *sigh*) I can't be the only one who thinks this is hot like a burning thing, right?





Sam started to walk away, following after everyone else. But the dead Eight on the floor behind him seemed to drag at his feet, until his footsteps faltered and stopped. He went back, beside the Hybrid's pool, now stained red with blood.

He knelt there, staring into the Hybrid's blank face. If only he could plug her back in and ask her: Why send everyone to find Three when he was right there?

What did it mean that he came from Earth?

The most important question of all: Why?

His eyes flicked upward to the Eight on the other side - in the strange red light she could be sleeping. Except he had watched her die, and she had seemed so broken and sad and … human.

So many dead for a cause that wasn't even real. Everybody wanted what he was supposed to know - but he didn't. He couldn't tell them anything. What could he say? That he'd suddenly realized he was a Cylon because of some music? It sounded like a bullshit story even to him, and he was living it.

Who could he tell anyway?

Kara had made her opinion of the idea plain. Jean was dead - the one person who had followed him and believed in him from day one, never knowing he was one of the enemy after all. There was no one else.

It was like one of those nightmares of falling - it kept getting darker and colder, and he knew there was death at the end with no one to catch him, but he kept falling…

A footstep at the opening made him lift his head, pulling himself back to some semblance of control. Someone was probably coming back to prod him into doing something, and he was going to have to help out, to keep up the lie another day.

When he turned, Leoben was there. He was wearing a black shirt, not the ugly thing he'd been wearing on the Demetrius. As he came closer, Sam saw that this one wasn't hurt, so probably he was a different model all together. It didn't really matter which model though; they all seemed to share the same creepy fixation with Kara, and they all shared memories of what they'd done. Sam tightened his jaw, as a tangle of emotions lodged in his chest - hatred and jealousy, anger and fear. And he snapped, "What?"

Leoben moved closer, slowly, his shoes making soft slaps against the smooth floor. "You showed her compassion," he noted, glancing at the Eight's body. "You have a strong heart, even if you try to hide it in your anger. I always knew you felt more deeply than you admitted."

"Frak off. You know nothing about me," Sam ground out and refused to look at him.

"I know you very well," Leoben knelt down next to him and emphasized, "Very well."

Sam froze, and he gritted his teeth. Frak, he was not doing this - not going there. Not remembering. Figured the frakker would decide to bring it up now, though. In an effort to turn it away, he sneered, "Shouldn't you be stalking Kara right now?"

Leoben laughed softly. "Jealous, Samuel? But the question is, who are you jealous of? Me or Kara?"

"Don't flatter yourself."

"You have nothing to be jealous of. Your pain called to me. After all that we shared, how could I not try to help?" he asked softly and his fingers brushed Sam's forearm, just enough to stir the hair and wake his skin.

Sam jerked away, but his heart started to pound. He turned his head to frown at the Leoben copy, amazed and wondering, "Are you -- Are you really the same one …?" He stopped. It didn't matter. This one remembered. A churning lump formed under his ribs -- but he couldn't tell if it was nausea or anticipation.

Leoben smiled. "I told you we would meet again." His hand reached out, slowly enough Sam could've avoided it, but he found he couldn't move. Leoben's fingers brushed his cheek and thumb slid across his lips. He murmured, "I didn't want to share you with the others. Kara Thrace has many helpers for her destiny - you have only me."

Sam wanted so desperately to pull away -- frak, anyone could come in -- but he couldn't move. His heart was beating so hard he could feel his fingers trembling to the same beat.

"It was a lie," he forced himself to say. "It didn't mean anything."

Leoben lifted his brows. "You lie to yourself. But I know it was true, and so do you."

Sam swallowed hard, and grabbed for the old rationalization, after he'd shot Leoben dead as a Cylon spy on Caprica. "Just frakking in the heat of the moment. That's all. I didn't even know you were a Cylon."

"Now you know. And suddenly it's not so terrible to think about, is it?" Leoben challenged softly.

Sam flinched, jerking out from under his touch and jumping to his feet. "Shut up. I'm not the man I was then. I'm married - to Kara, in case you forgot, and I'm not playing your game anymore. So you can just go to hell."

He started for the archway, determined to leave and go back to the Raptor, but fingers like claws grabbed his shoulder and shoved. Sam's back thudded against the wall, and then pressed the smooth warmth, as Leoben leaned into him.

Leoben narrowed his eyes, looking too deeply, and Sam had to look away, unable to hold his gaze at all. Leoben's hands gripped both shoulders, and their bodies pressed together so tightly Sam could feel the buckle of the belt against his skin. He could have shoved himself free-- he wanted to, he thought he should, but he didn't. They stayed like that for one frozen moment, neither giving way, until Sam had to swallow a throat gone dry.

Leoben's breath touched Sam's face, as he spoke, "I see the heavy weight on your shoulders. Some burden you're carrying all alone. The others can't understand what you've done, what you've become. They don't see your suffering. But I see it."

Sam shut his eyes, as if not seeing Leoben would mean he wasn't there. But he could feel the hands on his shoulders. The grip softened and caressed down his arms slowly, while his face was so close his unshaven cheek brushed Sam's and his lips touched right in front of Sam's ear.

Leoben whispered, "You don't have to be alone." His hands slid down to take Sam's, threading their fingers together.

He knew that Leoben didn't know the truth, but there was that part of Sam that was just so tired and so eager to confess, the words poured out. He couldn't help giving voice to his guilt and grief, and the hopelessness that weighed on his soul. "I shot Gaeta, I hurt him," he murmured. "He might die. Jean's dead because she followed me. That Six and the Sharon… They're all dead. For nothing. Nothing," his voice cracked off into a breath that choked up in his throat. "Stupid, isn't it? You'd think I'd never seen people die before."

Leoben didn't try to tell him that there was a purpose, that they had found the stupid useless riddle to Earth that was going to end up killing him.

Sam felt a warm breath on his face again and gentle lips on his cheek and eyelids. "Hush," Leoben whispered. "You hid from death before, but now you see it plainly. You feel it, sense the edge of infinity beneath your feet, and you're afraid. But we all stand on that edge - all of us, human and Cylon alike. Death will come to us all soon enough. But right now, you and I are both alive, Sam. Alive."

Sam opened his eyes, and found Leoben close. There was something in his gaze that seemed…. forgiving. Sam leaned forward, seeking something, some strange absolution from this person he hated.

Mouths met, pushed against his, and Leoben raised their joined hands up to pin Sam on either side of his head. The texture of the wall was smooth and metallic but warm on the backs of his hands and head, as the kiss deepened, and Leoben's tongue stroked the inside of his lips. The upper lip stubble rubbed Sam's lips, smooth in some directions, rough in others, making it impossible for Sam to pretend he was kissing anyone else.

But after a moment he didn't want to.

Sam tried to move his hands, but the grip didn't loosen, holding him securely against the wall. He shuddered, need spiking through him, when a knee worked itself between his thighs. Sam tried to rub against it but with Leoben's weight on him, he wasn't able to move enough for relief as the pressure grew.

Sam moved his head against the wall, letting out a hiss through clenched teeth.

Leoben pulled back his head to look into Sam's face, amused as he watched. "You like this?" he asked, teasing as his hips moved against Sam's. And the hard touch of arousal was distinct, and made Sam shudder again....

It was just so damn familiar, like a dream or another life. Back when life had been much simpler - when he'd still been more Samuel T. Anders, C-Buc captain, than Anders the Resistance Leader. Before Kara. Before Longshot. Long before Sam the Cylon. He hadn't known there was such a thing as skinjob Cylons yet.

There'd only been a dying planet and the despair of inevitable death. Leoben had infiltrated the camp and Sam's bed, dragging Sam bodily from numb horror and into feeling again.

He needed that again. Anyone could walk in, but Sam tilted his head back and shut his eyes, and pushed against Leoben's thigh anyway. It was reckless but he didn't care. He wanted it all - all he'd had back then - Leoben's body on his, the innocence he'd felt, the ignorance …

"Give it to me," he begged hoarsely. "Give it back. Give me back who I was…"

Leoben's tongue traced a line up the side of his neck to his ear. "I'll give you something better. I'll give you the future," Leoben whispered, hands sliding down Sam's body and fumbling his belt and pants open. "Earth. You'll see Earth," he promised, hand sliding down Sam's belly and inside his pants in a single stroke.

Sam jerked, his own hands falling to the taut shoulders, and he hissed as Leoben's hand circled around his erection. "Oh Gods…."

"No gods," Leoben countered, dryly amused, "only you and me. And you feel… so good," his voice caught and turned ragged, but his hand moved with sure certainty. His free hand pulled Sam's pants and briefs down his thighs, out of the way.

His head dipped down to rest on Sam's shoulder, looking down at what he was doing, breath hot on Sam's chest.

Sam screwed his eyes shut - wanting, needing racing through him, tight and aching as Leoben's hand coaxed him, remembering with uncanny precision exactly how he liked it best. The grip was firm and his hand soft, while his other hand was tight on Sam's hip, holding him, even as Sam's thighs trembled.

Sam's hands slid across the strong shoulders with a feverish need to remember, to expatiate what he was, in the memory of what he had been. His whole body was taut, and he was panting like he was running though he was standing completely still.

But it wasn't enough - he clenched his jaw and let out a desperate sound. He was all too clenched, sliding to the edge of pain with no release. "Please, please…" He put his fingers in Leoben's short hair and pulled his face back up to kiss him again, tongue sliding across his lips… and it was wet and messy and he was aching where Leoben was touching him.

Leoben broke free and his hand - his damn hand was slowing, and letting go, fingers stroking his balls and his thumb to the head of his cock until Sam swore at him, softly, between breaths. Leoben murmured into his ear, breath and words making him shiver, "Remember, Sam… You were beneath me, open and willing and you wanted what I could give you? My mission meant nothing to me. It was only you and your heat, and how I felt I was touching god when I was inside you."

The memory shot through him like a bullet at the reminder, leaving heat in its wake. Sam's hips jerked forward and he bit his lip on a moan. His hands grabbed Leoben's shirt to get under it, seeking the skin that once was next to his.

"We don't have time for that," Leoben whispered. "In fact we don't have much time at all. Let me watch you. Open your eyes."

Sam did, and this time his eyes held Leoben's tightly, keeping himself together by staring at him, as Leoben's hand wrapped his erection and pulled with full strokes, to reestablish a rhythm. And it was so good, and he was so close…

"I'm gonna --" he gasped, but he didn't until Leoben put his free hand over Sam's mouth, freeing him to let go.

All that need welled up and shuddered through him in hard pulses. Wordless cries burst out of him, caught behind Leoben's hand.

As he was coming down from it, slumping against the wall, he started to recover his breath. Then breath was gone again, as Leoben's lips joined his, tasting him as if to take the second-hand pleasure from his mouth.

But the sound of footsteps in the hall made them both freeze and then spring apart guiltily. Sam yanked his pants up, buckling his belt without zipping and hoping he didn't look quite as sweaty and well-frakked as he felt. Leoben merely pulled his shirt down over the wet spot Sam had left, took two steps away and turned to the door, his face a bland mask.

One of the base-ship Eights appeared in the doorway and paused, her eyes flickering back and forth between them and frowning in puzzlement.

"Yes?" Leoben prompted and there was nothing in his voice that gave away that half a minute ago he'd been jacking Sam against the wall.

The Eight frowned again, as if she knew something had happened but couldn't quite figure it out. Then her brows lifted in a bit of a shrug, and she addressed Sam, "Starbuck thought you might be lost. You're needed on the flight deck."

"He was lost," Leoben said. "But now he's found. You can tell her he's on his way. I'll take him there."

She nodded and went back the way she'd come.

"I have to go. They'll know something's up," Sam said, but didn't stir. He inhaled a long breath, released it, and then said, "Thank you."

Leoben faced him and tilted his head a bit to one side, regarding him. "I've never been able to read you before," Leoben admitted. "As though your destiny was shrouded in the dark. But now I know - I saw it."

Sam tensed, and as the familiar fear sent his heart pounding again, Leoben leaned very close. "You are a miracle," he whispered. "Never forget that."

Then he headed for the door. "Come on," he called back over his shoulder. "Kara's waiting."

Sam stared, tongue irresistibly licking his tender lips and wondering what the frak had just happened. Then he shook himself once, and he followed.

Comments

[meresy.livejournal.com]

Yes! I choose to believe Leoben and Sam were off doing the wild thing for oh, most of "The Hub."

I love the idea that they have a past like this. And also the hotness.

:D

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

They were rather both conspicuously absent from the Hub weren't they? :D mmm.. yummmy. Especially in the BLACK SHIRT OF HOTNESS.

Thanks!

[meresy.livejournal.com]

I won't lie -- I was kind of disappointed to find out Sam was on Galactica after all. :P

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

well, er, maybe Leoben was on Galactica? heh.

oh, I know! they're both Cylons! THERE ARE MANY COPIES!!!! ;)

[blue-crow.livejournal.com]

I love this pairing. And the way you executed it.. was very nice. I approve of a Leoben having the same obsession with Anders that the rest of his model seems to have with Kara.

I'd love to see more of their history back on Caprica.

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

I have been OBSESSED with these two for much of S.4 (with and without the addition of Kara). And yes, I think it's only fair that Anders get a Leoben and not just Kara (they both met theirs at roughly the same time, and Sam's got a 'destiny' too... *g*)

thanks!

[palmetto.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is wonderful.

I've started to wonder if the Twos all share their memory pool...sort of like the Eight who downloaded Athena's memory, if all Twos think of their memory as a collective and live closer to a hive mind than the other models.

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

thank you!

I think you're right - the Twos may all as a matter of policy absorb the others' memories on download or at least all 'partake' of the memories that seem significant, so they all have a common knowledge base that's more intuitive than the other models. They don't seem to be as numerous either, and perhaps they do that on purpose as well. No wonder the others think the Leobens are rather strange.

[mirage897.livejournal.com]

Thanks, nice pairing

[zabira.livejournal.com]

WOW. just...WOW. this is fabulous. i love the way you've articulated all the layers of sam's distress, and the characterization on leoben is just FANTASTIC. thank you, as far as i'm concerned, this IS their history together now.

PLUS? SMOKING HOT. i think you burned out my monitor screen.

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

thanks so much! Leoben is a pain to write, I must say, so I appreciate the kind words.

And yeah, they are frakkin' HOT together aren't they? yummmm

[mneiai.livejournal.com]

This was really fascinating, I enjoyed it a lot!

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

thank you!

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, tasty. Leoben's probably one of my favorite characters in the show, and I love the way you wrote him in this. Stick him with Anders certainly didn't hurt, either. :D Maybe I was just imagining things, but I'm pretty sure one of him was standing somewhere vaguely near Sam on Earth. Clearly that's a sign that you should right some sort of (possibly angsty) post-nuclear-wasteland fic.

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

OH YOU ARE EVIL! :D Sequel on Earth--- Ow! (that would be the bunny biting me on the ankle). damn.

:D Thank you, glad you enjoyed it. And if there's more, you can consider it YOUR FAULT. :D

[slybrarian.livejournal.com]

Hurrah!

[gigglemonster.livejournal.com]

Guh!
So very hot and perfectly sweet at the same time!
I love the atmosphere you created in this along with the past that Sam & Leoben share, it's just gorgeous.
Plus you have Leoben's voice down SO well.
Such a joy to read, thank you so much for sharing :)

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

thanks! Considering I find Leoben the hardest person on the show to write, it means a lot that you think I picked up his voice.

[crickets.livejournal.com]

This whole thing is just incredibly hot and fantastic. I love that you expanded on the fact that Sam had dealt with Leoben in the past with the resistance. That could be such a wellspring of material there and it works so well for this.

Leoben whispered, "You don't have to be alone." His hands slid down to take Sam's, threading their fingers together. ← I found that little bit very sweet. I loved it.

And the rest of it? Just... guh-squared.

Moar plz? Hehehe.

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

the sad thing is that there IS a wellspring of material - namely my ginormous, if incomplete bsg_slashathon fic. :( So I know exactly how it plays out - but it's only in my head for now.

I have been prodded with a wee bunny for Revelations fic after this, so we'll see.

Thanks!

[crickets.livejournal.com]

Just a little bunny? Hahaha. Well I supposed that's better than the big fat nothing I've got. One of my flisters claimed she had plot DONKEYS after that finale. LMAO.

I think plot donkeys is just about the best thing I've heard all week, honestly.

And wow, you're not the ONLY ONE who has an unfinished slashathon fic! *hides* I'm such a bad mod! Hahaha. I never finsihed my Sam/Chief fic. *sadface* And the really sad part is that it's not even ginormous. It's just a bunch of unused NOTES!

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

well it was ginormous in intent if not in execution - I think I have only about eleven pages and that's in 2 parts, divided by a Whole lotta missing plot. It was planned to be sam from the initial attacks, affair with Leoben, and then meeting Kara at the end. (something about the song just sounded like Leoben, that's where the inspiration came from) So anyway, I wish I'd finished it first, but without that, this one wouldn't exist. So you got what you intended, running it!

PLOT DONKEYS! heh. Are they wild, rabid donkeys? othewise I think you could avoid them pretty easily.... I have a giant plot KRAKEN that I'm dealing with (not for Revelations tho).

[crickets.livejournal.com]

I wish I'd finished it first, but without that, this one wouldn't exist. So you got what you intended, running it!

That makes me so incredibly happy, you have no idea. Thank the gods! (And it sounds to me like all you need is a little bit of gentle encouragement with that other one. *wink*)

And I'd like to think the donkeys are a little bit wild and rabid, what fun would a docile farm animal be?

[millari.livejournal.com]

There'd only been a dying planet and the despair of inevitable death. Leoben had infiltrated the camp and Sam's bed, dragging Sam bodily from numb horror and into feeling again.

"Give it to me," he begged hoarsely. "Give it back. Give me back who I was…"

These three lines just about made me heart fall out of my chest. Wow.

I'd totally forgotten about the fact that these two had been on Caprica together! I love how sweet and safe this fic feels, even as you are constantly aware of the danger that anyone might walk in and catch them. It's a frakked-up mix of emotions one experiences while reading this, not unlike the frakked-upness of Sam and Leoben. :D

Anyway, this was absolutely great, and not a pairing of which I would have ever thought.

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

yep, they're both so frakked up and it's a frakked-up pairing. They're very lucky no one came in earlier -- maybe one of the other Leobens was covering for them down in the docking bay! :)

thank you! I've become rather taken with this pairing, I have to admit...

[sol-se.livejournal.com]

Love this!!

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

thanks!

[inathunderstorm.livejournal.com]

Thanks for linking this--man, I have to say, I love me some Sam/Leoben and this was excellent. Hot, and once again, I love the dynamic between the two of them!!

[lizardbeth-j.livejournal.com]

thanks again! one of my favorite possibilities in S.4 has been the idea of Sam/Leoben, particularly a Leoben who is more willing to use his religious devotion and psychological tricks to help Sam. And a Sam so desperate for ANYONE to be there for him that he goes along.

(and do dirty things to each other, too, of course! *g*)

[inathunderstorm.livejournal.com]

I would be all over that possibility :)

[zooeyrye.livejournal.com]

I adore this! Great work!